Sunday, May 24, 2009

Each day at a time...

Got the garden planted Friday. I started working on it a few days ago, but didn’t feel up to finishing it then. It has been a tough month so far.  I've been so tired for so long.  I'm wondering why I am planting my garden this year.  I know I won't be able to tend it.  It is a bittersweet feeling to get the seeds in the ground, knowing that the weeds will come and quickly choke my efforts of today.  I suppose if I do not, then it is symbolic somehow that I am giving in.  It is not in my nature to give in, but I do not know where to place my hope at the moment.  I do not know what to expect in the coming months, but I can feel the opression looming over my heart.  Everyone around me is speaking in medical and technical terms.  My ears are numb while my soul is screaming.  This can't be happening.  It has to be a dream.  A bad dream.  The days feel like they are in slow motion.  I try to take each day one at a time, but the days seem to drag on.  I can't help but fear the unknown.  I feel like a robot getting through my days, numb and without emotion.  I know I need to keep going, even through this part.  If I don't move, even when I feel like I can't, I will remain in place.  Perhaps, even though I know the weeds will overtake the garden this year, a few unyielding sunflowers will rise above and tempt the birds in the fall.

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