Meant to smile

To decide the next moment is yet the challenge ahead...even with what is left, I will still be me...just transformed. This transformation is out of my control, it is not something I chose, I do not want it, but I am forced through time. I am bounding through a vortex of surrealness that flairs in the mirror when I take a moment to look. I am who I am by only those that really know me, and only they understand it is impossible for me to remain the same without movement. As I move through this life and what it brings, I have become who I am. Not everything that makes me is quiet or beautiful. Some of the things that are ugliest are someone else's perception of goodness. Insincerity and sanctimonious gestures have found their way in to many parts of my journey, even before this current journey of illness. They do not trick me or harm me. For those that really know me, know a strong, determined lioness. It is not the tragedies in my life that have made me strong, but rather the behaviors and attitudes of my audience have made me want to be a survivor when I could have been a victim. Being a victim of my thoughts or circumstances requires me to allow others' judgements to control my choices. I smile each day, even when I need to cry. I cry when I need to feel the other side, so I may return to strength. In my youth I used to worry that others would not or could not understand me, therefore I would never really be known or accepted. Now I understand I need not explain who I am. I am loved by those who love me. I am understood by those who choose to accept me. I am free to be misunderstood and unaccepted. I am born to fight. I am meant to smile and my smile hides nothing, but shows the real me. To see my smile is to see the depth of my soul. If you feel my smile, you have taken a step in coming to know me.